when they played this song at the show, matt leaned over to tell me that it was one of his favorite songs. i didn't really get it, but now i do.

i don't know why you bother
nothing's ever good enough for you
i was there
and it wasn't like that
you came here
just to start a fight
you had to piss on our parade
you had to shred our big day
you had to ruin it for all concerned
in a drunken punchup at a wedding

hypocrite opportunist
don't infect me with your poison
a bully in a china shop

when i turn around
you stay
frozen to the spot
the pointless snide remarks
of hammerheaded sharks
the pot will call the kettle black

it's a drunken punch up at a wedding

lately, in some circles, i have been playing an increasingly familiar role: the single girl. tonight, at dinner with brooke, wendy, and adrienne, i was the only one not in some form of long term relationship. i used to be the one on the other side of the equation.

when i arrived at the public tonight, adrienne and wendy had been talking about if they had missed being single. of course, they had to ask me, as i was the token single girl. wendy and adrienne are in great relationships and it is no comment on them that this question arose. however, it made me think; is the grass always greener?

it's strange, actually. as i was telling them tonight, this is really the first time since i was 18 that i have really considered myself single. i have been such a serial monogamist that i'm just experiencing what it feels like to be single.

in some ways i really enjoy it. i like having my own space. i know that i'd be hesitant to live with a boyfriend as i have done in the past. i appreciate my privacy and space too much now to jump into a living situation. also, i know how hard it is to get out of it, if it doesn't work.

i also know that my life is too fast for some people. i do a lot of things. i'm interested in lots of different activities and i like to be active. this is not for everyone. not everyone can handle the pace.

as i was driving home tonight, i thought about my friend nancy. she's turning 41 this december, and she hardly looks over 30. she's often hesitant to tell people how old she is, and i wondered if i would feel that way. will i be single at 41 and afraid to tell people how old i am?

going to doc's clock didn't help much. i've never been much of a bar person. i don't think i could ever meet someone at a bar. however, i did meet my long term boyfriend at a cafe. no alcohol was involved, just a lot of caffeine. don't know which is worse these days.

i occasionally have these small pangs of going home to a house that is empty. i felt this tonight. listening to radiohead right now probably doesn't help.

but i guess tomorrow's a new day. i'll work out and work a bit, then head over to willo's for another girls' dinner before fray day. at least tomorrow's group will be unanimously single.

i had to drop by vw today to deal with my radio. it turns out that i have to keep my car radio on for 1-3 hours so that it will reset. only then, can i enter the code. oh brother.

****

i repaired my board this afternoon. it took 10 minutes. i have to find some fine sandpaper to make it smooth now, but it is ok as is.

****

it took me a while to wake up today, but i have been generally productive after that. i'm just taking a break now to get some of this crap out of my head.

****

i'm looking forward to cocktails and dinner tonight with the girls. wendy's brother may join us for a drink, but she is strictly enforcing the dinner rule. girls only. hee hee.

****

it's been overcast and sunny off and on today. i hope this weekend in the ocean lives up to wes's expectations. i'm looking forward to surfing on sunday.

****

my violin teacher has a pretty drama filled life. when i first met him, he was dealing with a divorce. he moved into a place which was beautiful, but had to move out a few months later. the owner was going to move his family into it.

he found another place with one of the people he used to live with, which i didn't realize was his girlfriend. we had a couple of lessons there. it was nice, too.

today, he called to cancel our lesson tomorrow. he and his girlfriend broke up and he gave her the apartment. he's moved out and has to find another place. geez. how much drama can you have in a year.

my friend lanha just launched her blog. if anyone should be doing this, it's her. her life in itself is interesting, but she's also quite a character. i hope she keeps it up.

****

according to matte, what i wrote him this morning over im is a poem:

i never understood people who could see the end of a relationship before the beginning....but now i get it

he also suggested,

if the first thing on your list is waking up...circumvent the rest of the list by preventing movement past your first item

he's a smartie.

****

i'm trying to wake up. i need to be super productive today. i'm not sure if that's going to happen.

tonight was ceramics and i finished up a piece i started last week. ugh. what a nightmare. it looks good, though, after an hour and a half of fussing. i also glazed a couple of pieces. one of them is for my friend's wedding gift. i hope it turns out well.

i didn't get a chance to throw anything tonight, which was disappointing. however, i made it to an unofficial work happy hour at bruno's. that was good. i talked with some people i haven't seen in a while. unfortunately, we talked about work. ugh. it never ends. at least i'm working from home tomorrow.

****

tomorrow night i'm having dinner with some girls from work. that should be fun. i haven't seen them socially in a long time. i'm hoping for an early night, though, cuz i have an early lesson on saturday.

i'm going to box with nancy after it, and i'm looking forward to that. we haven't boxed together in a long while.

i may hit the blue room gallery on saturday afternoon... unless i decide to work.

****

blue room gallery

i am going to bowie. ah, the magic of the internet.

just found out that i have to be a *member* to access the pre-sale tix today at noon. ugh.

one of my favorite songs in radiohead's set was one they played during the encore.

there's a gap in between
there's a gap where we meet
where i end & you begin
and i'm sorry for us
the dinosaurs roam the earth
the sky turns green
where i end & you begin
i am up in the clouds
i am up in the clouds
and i can't & i can't come down
i can watch but
not take part
where i end & where you start
where you left me alone
you left me alone.
x will mark the plalce
like the parting of the waves
like a house falling into the sea

i will eat you alive

and there'll be no more lies

****

i have to make it down to la soon.... i have to find a weekend to do that. i want to hit these exhibits before they close: shepard fairey exhibit, jeff soto and others, and frank gehry. maybe in november.

****
i'm thinking of going to the desert during xmas. i've been meaning to get there for a few months. i might just do it.

so there's another presale going on for bowie tomorrow at noon, so i may try to get tix then. i'm actually not sure who's going to want to go to this show with me, but i guess i could buy two and just sell one if i can't get someone to go with me. doesn't anyone like bowie?

****

i worked out with traci today. we laughed most of the time, but did work out. totally hilarious girl. we're going to try to do that on mon-wed during the week. it's good to be accountable to someone at the gym.

i raced home to pick up my board so that i could bring it over to wes for inspection. as i was precariously taking it downstairs -- still not able to do this without hitting it a couple of times on the way -- i noticed that it was definitely more curved than i remembered. generally that means it's going to be harder to ride.

when i brought it over, wes noticed the curvature, too. it's called 'rocker'. generally, it does make the board harder to surf. however, he looked at it more carefully and he said that he thought it was actually going to be a good board for me. the rocker, in this case, will allow me to get into the wave easier. this is exactly what i need.

after he looked a the damage i have on the underside of the board, he handed over a $2.95 repair kit that takes less than 10 minutes to cure in the sun and about 3 hours to completely seal. excellent.

he and rebecca both marvelled at the amazing deal i got. i'm lucky. i can't wait to take it out on sunday. the surf this weekend is supposed to be good. it has been pretty crappy lately, apparently. i guess santa cruz is supposed to be especially spectacular, but i'm probably just going to linda mar with melissa. it's closer and i have to get to the east bay in the late afternoon.

we went upstairs after he made the assessment and wes made us dinner, and i tried my first it's it for dessert. just a taste. the thing is huge. he's funny. he cut a piece of his off and put four little raspberries in a pyramid next to it as garnish. it's all about the details.

now, i've gotta do some work before i go to bed. ugh.

*****

last night, as mom and i were having dinner at ozumo, i thought of the weekend i went camping with nate. we went up the coast to meet up with mel, chris, and a bunch of people who were diving for sea urchin and abalone. this is when i got turned on to uni. it has been a year since that weekend. mel and chris just celebrated their one year anniversary recently. wow. a lot has changed since nate and i drove up the coast that sunny day, trying to make up from a fight. geez.

now that i think of it, he was pretty similar to some of the other guys i've dated in the past. maybe i do have a *type*. they come in different packages, but on the inside they were relatively the same. gotta think about that one some more.

****

i think these meds are too strong. i'm feeling thirsty again and today i had a huge appetite. i munched all day long.... on crap. ugh. good thing i ran for a bit. however, even running, i felt tired. it could be the lack of sleep or it could be that these meds are not agreeing with me. i think i'll reduce my dosage like mom told me i should if i'm not feeling quite the same.

the tix for the denver fillmore show are $63.50 + service charge. hmmm... it's general admission, though.

i've been surprisingly popular this week; lots of invitations to do things this weekend. it's nice :) and i feel lucky.

as i was telling one of my friends that i was totally booked, in spite of trying to simplify my life, he gave me the advice below:

don't make new friends
don't date
do nothing regularly
play video games
read internet porn for fun

(source witheld for privacy considerations)

mom left this morning, and although i enjoyed her visit, i am glad to return to some time alone. while she was here, i only had the hours after she went to bed, the hours that i probably should have been asleep, to be alone. this time was largely spent working, so i don't really consider this down time.

it's interesting how much i appreciate the time alone now. i don't think i would have said this a few years ago.

tonight, i'm going to get my board checked by wes. i've gotta make it there by 8.30 or so, cuz he works on EST and has to wake up early. i'm appreciative, though, that he'll take a look, cuz it'll make saturday a more real possibility for surfing.

i'm definitely going to get a work out in tonight, though. i'm feeling totally crunchy lately cuz of lack of exercise. i really can't wait to run for a while and sweat.

i was at the office for three hours today. i worked from home in the morning. in my hurry to leave, i got tangled in my cords, dropping my laptop and wacom tablet mouse, susequently damaging the usb piece. great.

note to self - i can get to work in 30 minutes at 1pm on a tuesday.

i spent another 20 minutes today trying to find parking at work. again, i parked illegally. at least i didn't get towed or a note on my windshield. maybe i'll have to start getting to work before 1.30pm.

****

i took mom to ozumo tonight. we had a sashimi martini to start, which was BEAUTIFUL. three bamboo skewers of three delicately wrapped disks of salmon and toro sashimi with cream cheese. the disks were wrapped in a thin layer of cucumber. they were sitting on a bed of soba noodles and topped with radish and roe. yum. the uni sushi was great. it's my litmus test for a good sushi bar. this has become my new favorite behind shiro maguro. mom really liked the rainbow roll. oddly, she had never had one before.

for our main, we had abalone steak. it was pretty good, but kind of chewy. i have had better, but i had to try it. it was the last one they had.

after dinner, we went to north beach. i wanted to get some cookies -- pinoles, florentines and meringues. we got a little something for zoe, as well, at a halloween themed candy shop. it's pink, has ballet slippers on it, and contains flowered barretts. she is such a girl.

****

mom told me about a book she was reading for the second time. it sounded like it was autobiographical in nature. she said that the author had gotten permission from his wife to travel alone for 6 months when he turned 50. mom seemed envious about this. in her opinion, the best way to travel is alone. i didn't know that she believed this. i guess this makes sense since she seems to really enjoy coming to sf to visit me without dad.

dad's a planner. he likes to have every day of a trip packed to the gills with stops at every possible attraction in the vicinity. it's hectic, not much of a vacation in my opinion. however, he likes to document everything, so i guess that's kind of cool.

she said that she hopes that she and dad will be able to spend a month in japan next year. she's been there a couple of times, but dad has never been. she remembers it fondly. she was so excited when i went a couple of years ago. she knew i would love it. i did. i am more like my mom than i know. she knows me better than i'd like to admit sometimes.

mom's definitely gotten more cautious in her older age. it's strange for me to see this. she tries unfamiliar things after i try them. she seems to forget things. i remember when i first noticed that in my father. it's definitely more striking and sad to me seeing it in my mom. this is not to say that she's lost her faculties and is unable to lead an independent life. she's just getting older, as everyone does.

i'm understanding a little more of myself with each conversation i have with her, and i'm trying to be nicer to her automatically. i feel badly that it sometimes comes out the wrong way.

tonight i practiced my violin a bit, partly cuz i knew that it would be difficult to find time during the rest of the week, but mostly cuz i knew mom wanted to hear me play. it took me a good 15 minutes to tune it. one of the pegs had gotten loose during the week of unuse. i am proud to say, though, that i think it's pretty in tune, without any help.

****

apparently, this third round of meds that i'm taking is supposed to remove some junk that's on the inner lining of my stomach as well as reignite a fire/fever in me. hmm... i don't know if i really get it, but i'm supposed to pay attention to the amount of water i drink in the next couple of days. these meds might be too strong.

i am definitely feeling grumpy lately, though. i think this means that the meds are working, but who knows.

i've definitely been more thirsty lately, but i think that might be the wine and the soy sauce from tonight.

****

although my sister and her family have been living with my parents for the past year, mom said that she actually doesn't spend that much time with them. when i was home in july, mom and i sat outside in the back patio and drank a bottle of wine together. she told me tonight that it had been a long time since she had done that and that she missed me.

there's something to be said about being single. i told her that she was lucky to still have a single daughter with whom she could hang out and drink wine. i think she'd rather that i was married and a mother. however, it seems that she is resigned to the fact that i'm going to get married *later*. tonight she even said that it would have probably been a mistake to have gotten married young (to the exbf i saw on friday, who she adored). WOW.

****

i got my fu manchu cd today.

one thing i've learned in the past few years is that you can't control timing. yeah, kind of sux, but some things, i guess, just happen for a reason.

there are events and circumstances in my life that i recognize have happened for a reason, at a particular time. i see it clearly in retrospect, but it still doesn't make me feel much better in the present.

****

it's nearly 1am, and i've just done a whole lot of work. wow.

i didn't start working again until after 10, so i guess it's ok.

nancy came over for dinner and it was nice to catch up with her. she's been through a lot with me. she's one of my oldest friends in sf. she's also one of my dearest. i hope to see her more frequently in the near future than i have in the recent past. i'd been travelling a lot, and that combined with my inability to wake up early on weekends has kept me from our usual workouts. we used to box together pretty regularly, which was often followed by coffee or brunch. we're planning one of those weekend mornings soon.

it is monday today. i woke up, tired, and on the wrong side of the bed. just wasn't in a good mood. i announced it to mom and then tried to say nothing more, cuz the chance that i'd say something i'd regret was definitely high this morning.

when i got to work, it took me 20 min to find a place to park, and it was illegal.

i got to my meeting 30 min late, but it ran 30 over, so i guess i can call it even.

my day did get better, though, and right now, i'm getting ready to have dinner with mom and my friend nancy. i haven't seen her in ages and it'll be nice to catch up.

****

i also got a nice email today from a friend, and it kind of made me feel better and strange at the same time.

****

i have to work after dinner. *sigh*

****

my radiohead cd arrived today. i'm listening to it now and it's GREAT.

as mom and i were sitting in front of the washing stations today at kabuki, mom commented that the last time she had scrubbed my back was when i was in the second grade. she said that i had just returned from a trip to korea with my sister. she was scrubbing my back and noticed that i had gained a lot of weight during the month that i was away. she asked me then, why that had happened, as i generally wasn't a fat kid. i told her that i was bored and ate. she found that amusing. she laughed as she told the story today. it had been over 20 yrs since she last scrubbed my back.

****

mom wants to go back to kabuki with me and jin sometime soon. three generations of park women, bathing together. that makes me smile.

****

i talked to zoe briefly on friday. she asked me if mom had given me the envelop yet. nope. didn't know about the envelop. a few minutes later, mom appeared with an envelop that had my name written on the front. clearly, zoe had written it. inside was a note, mostly written my jin, but signed by zoe. she had made me a bracelet for my birthday, from the beads that i had given her for her birthday in july. that made me smile.

****

i'm looking forward to the trip to nyc in october. i'll have to find something fun and cool to do for scott on his birthday. i don't know him very well, but he seems like a great guy. i know he's still a little bummed about breaking up with his gf, and 40's a big birthday.

silvio just asked me if i wanted to go skydiving on the way to stormking. hmmm.... not high on my list of things to do before i die. i'm thinking ... surf pipeline, go to viet nam, live in spain .... but maybe scott will be into it.

****

sometimes i say things in ways that surprise me. sometimes when i talk to mom, the words come out strangely, with unintentional intonations and connotations. i was trying to figure out why that was. they are reminscent of my father. maybe it's genetic. i think it also has to do with my impressions of mom. to me, she will always be the stong, confident woman i thought she was when i was younger. this has changed a bit. i assume that she knows things. i assume that she's bold and confident as she has been, as i have seen her. however, i guess she's not so much like that.

tonight she told me that her exterior is strong and bold, but she's actually pretty soft and weak on the inside. not weak in a bad way, but more like ... insecure and fragile. she knows herself well and makes the exterior tough to protect herself. i think i'm the same way.

like mom, once you get passed it, once we let you in, you're usually in for good.

it's interesting to me, then why i've responded to some of my friendships in a seemingly uncharacteristic way. i think i understand, though. it's a defense mechanism. i know that i'd let these people hurt me over and over again, if i didn't detach and separate. it's better for me in the long run to do that, as i know it's in my nature to forgive, repeatedly. this is a good trait, normally, however, in my case, it can be detrimental to my own preservation.

****

mom said that she and dad may go to japan next year. i'm excited for them, and i'm glad that dad was the one who suggested this. he's not perfect, by any means, but he's not bad.

****

my cousin is pregnant. she's a few years older than me, and her husband is younger than her. i was under the impression that they weren't going to have kids, largely due to his influence. she's now pregnant. i guess that's good.

jim's cousin stopped by this morning to pick up the gifts that jin sent her. she's also pregnant. she's due in march. she's going to be 41. yes, i guess there's hope, if i eventually feel like i want to have kids.

****

today, mom and i went to kinokuniya before kabuki. while she was reading through the different japanese gardening and flower arrangement books, i thumbed through the chinese astrology books. i'm a metal pig. the new year, which starts at the end of january, 2004, looks to be a good for me on several fronts. apparently, i'm supposed to be careful with my money, as i'm going to do some travelling and lots of social activities (not all that different from previous years). also, it's supposed to be a good year in my personal life. i should add the caveat that this book also indicated that i'd go through a lot of relationships in my lifetime. nothing could be closer to the truth.

no visit is complete with a night of conversation, usually accompanied by tears and some revelation of previously untold thoughts or activites, and wine. that was tonight.

i made dinner for mom. squid ink pasta with shrimp in a spicey tomato sauce. we had an old vines zin and olive bread that we bought at the farmers market yesterday. after a glass of zin, mom was spewing all sorts of things. i like these evenings with her. she and i are more alike than i know. each time we hang out together, i feel closer to her.

today, we went to kabuki to hang out in the communal bath and to get massages. it was great. i was so relaxed when i was getting a massage. about 10 minutes into it, i remembered the last time couple times i had massages there. i had one in march of 2002. i remember this wel since i had just broken up with this guy who i was totally and fully in love with, and i felt completely out of sorts. i was just ... out of it and unlike myself. i was mad, too, cuz i couldn't believe that i could have let someone have that affect on me. it kind of pissed me off and i was going all this stuff to compensate. i was keeping my life really busy, but i had decided to get a massage. it was 80 minutes when i couldn't do anything at all, except lie there and think about my life. i found that during that time i gained a lot of clarity. it was the best thing that i could have done.

it didn't occur to me that i had that sort of revelation until 10 min into the massage today. i didn't have the same revelations today, but it was good none the less.

****

i like drinking with mom. a lot is revealed when we have a bit of wine together. she tells me about her relationship with dad. she tells me what she wishes was different between them. she tells me how proud she is of me. it makes me happy and sad, at once. i guess that's why she had kids; she is proud of us and she hopes that our lives are better than hers. she can't really complain much about her life. she doesn't. however, she hopes that the relationship i end up in will be better than hers.

****

it's funny, cuz when i go to my parents house, it's like i'm drugged. i sleep a lot. mom had said that she had trouble sleeping. since she's been here, she's slept really well. she loves my bed.
it makes me happy that she can sleep so well. it's probably the combination of the bed and the wine, but i like to think it's cuz she's comfortable.

****

mom is now 62. i still think of her when she was 50. she had a lot of energy. she had a lot of spunk. i think she's still like that, but she's more cautious now. she seems more afraid of things. she attributes it to getting older, but it's difficult for me to think of her as *older*.

****

i feel like i have a lot more to write, but i have little ability to do this right now.

i recently met the girlfriend of a guy i know. i consider this guy a friend, not a great friend, but a friend. i care about this guy. he's a good guy, and i hope that he is happy. i wish the best for this guy. when i met the girlfriend of said guy, i didn't really get it. ok, so she's reasonably attractive - not beautiful, but i can see how some would find her attractive. i didn't have much in common with her. i didn't have much to say to her. i can usually find something to say. i couldn't this time. i couldn't see what the guy and his girlfriend talked about.

when i asked the friend of said guy what was up with the guy wanting a girlfriend like that, he said that said guy didn't really need conversation with his girlfriend. he said that guys generally aren't looking for that.

the friend of the guy implies that he's different, that he, unlike the guy, does want someone with whom he can talk, share, think. the friend recently said something different. the friend said something to the effect of, "i think i need someone who i can have sex with and not have to talk to at all, sometimes." confusing. inconsistent. unfortunate.

i do actually get it, and sometimes i want that, too.

all of this brings me back to the reality that it's really hard to meet people that i find interesting, attractive, and smart. when you find one of those, you generally try to keep them in the picture. sometimes, though, they keep moving out of the frame, the lens loses focus, and then i get fuzzy about why they were there in the first place.

i woke up after 11 this morning. my mom was already up and had been awake for the previous 3 hours. she wanted to let me sleep.

by noon, we were on our way to the farmers market. i hadn't been to the new location yet, and i was glad that we were going to go. we got a bunch of fruit: small melons, grapes, and some fresh pasta and bread. i'll make that tomorrow. reminds me ... i have to find a recipe.

after a quick stop at home to load the fridge and check online for the address for a korean grocery store just outside the city, we headed out with directions to our next stop written on a napkin.

the korean grocery store was huge. i think we got 15 bags of things. my fridge is now more stocked than i think i've ever seen it before.

we had one last stop on the grocery tour of san francisco; it was back to the fish market on mission and 18th to get red snapper for dinner.

willo, kat, jane, patrick, and dave came over for dinner with me and mom. mom made a huge spread of veggies, fish, noodles, and soup. all yummy and lots of left overs. needless to say, i ate a lot. i ate a lot more than i expected. full didn't really register tonight.

mom wasn't very social; i think she thought that she wasn't really supposed to be there or something. my friends tried to include her and she ate with us and chatted a bit. however, eventually, she just went to bed. it's two hours later in chicago.

kat, willo, and jane stayed for a while after patrick and dave left. i was glad that the boys met the girls. patrick and dave are two of my favorite people, and they hadn't met the girls from full moon.

****

the other day, it occurred to me that when mom turned 60, i turned 30. i don't know why i found it so interesting that she was exactly double my age. i guess it's also cuz 60 is an important age in the korean culture and 30 was somewhat momentous for me.

****

tomorrow morning, jim's cousin, liz, is coming to my apartment to pick up a baby gift. she's 3 mo pregnant and is having a girl. i think her son, jack, is probably 4 now. liz is going to be 42, i think, or maybe she is already 42. anyway, i think it's great that she's pregnant. gives me hope for myself.... in case i ever want to have kids.

****

dave took a look at my board tonight. he thinks i'll want to patch it before i take it out on the water. probably a good idea.

****

tomorrow, mom and i are going to have 80 minute massages and hang out in communal bath at kabuki springs and spa. i haven't been there in a long time. i used to love going there, in my previous life.

****

it's interesting how i am with my mother. i sometimes have a hard time communicating with her. it motivates me to learn korean. it's becoming more apparently to me that i'm more like my parents than i thought. some of the things i do remind me of something my father would do, and this sometimes makes me feel really shitty. my dad can be kind of harsh at times. i don't think he does it intentionally, but it just happens. my mom understands him, though, and gets why he is the way he is. i think she lets a lot of things slide because of that. i don't know that i would be able to do the same if i were in her shoes. i guess it's different cuz they've been married for a long time, and they are in a different generation. people their age have different ideas about what a relationship is.

****

mom asked about rick today. she wanted to see his picture. i'll show her later. jin liked rick. i did, too. he just wasn't right for me. he would have been better for jin. i'm glad we're staying in touch and that i'm planning to see him in the spring. that will be a good trip if i make it there.

****

mom and i haven't really talked about relationships yet. i'm sure it'll come up. i'm sure she's a little worried about me in this regard. however, she says that i seem to be living my life in a fun way. today, she said something to the effect of how great it was that i do ceramics, play my violin, and surf. she said that i was lucky to be talented and interested in things like this. i know i am. i'll have to start playing tennis again, too.

****

lately, i've seen a lot of old cars -- darts, falcons, the like. i'm not sure if there are just more of them recently, or if i've just noticed them. i kind of wish i didn't.