i just got in from a bbq at brendan's parents' place near coit tower. man, what a pad. it had an elevator. i don't know that i've been in a house with an elevator. his parents are away for the weekend, so he's taking care of the pets.

anyway, when we arrived, brendan was sitting in the kitchen in front of a laptop. i thought we were the only people there. when we went upstairs to the roofdeck, there were three friends of his, who turned out to be very cool.

the roofdeck had a hot tub, which is good to know for future reference, and an amazing view of the bay. you could see the golden gate bridge and a corner of the bay bridge. it was a beautiful, clear day, and i was glad that i made it outside. right behind the house we had a clear view of coit tower.

willo's friend eva showed up, then jb, brendan's roommate, then jb, brendan's roommate, and finally krista and james. krista reminded me of charleze theron. they were all fun people that i was glad to have met.

after watching a beautiful sunset, we headed downstairs. too cold for my toes. they were all heading out to north beach, and i was not up for that. i drank a bit today, and it was fine, but i could not do it for the 3+ additional hours that i'm sure a night in north beach would require. brendan mentioned that there was a newish bar that had a table top version of miss pacman, which is also good to know for future reference. i passed it on the drive home.

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i'm going to try to do yoga in the morning before going to sue's brunch. i have to pick up some champagne for her. it was her birthday last week.

i never got a call from wes or rebecca, so i guess i'm not surfing this weekend. i need to find a board or just suck it up and buy a new one. ugh.

i woke up unbelieveably late today. i actually set my alarm for 7.40 so that i could make a 9am class in russian hill. the alarm sounded. i ceased it for what i thought would be a short 5 min. the next time i woke up, it was 9. ugh. i laid down again and before i knew it, it was noon. geez. i must have needed it.

i've spent the last hour or so trying to organize my costa rica trip. i changed my flight so i leave and return to chicago. i extended my stay in costa rica until the 10th. i think this will give me enough time to do what i want there.

after investigating a bunch of different sites, i realized that costa rica is most beneficial if you're travelling with two people. great. i did find a couple of *solo* tours, but they are longer than i want. i guess i'll have to do some more investigating.

i think i'll definitely need to rent a car, though, which is fine.

i went through momentary doubt when i found other surf camps that were less expensive, but they didn't include the same stuff, and they didn't indicate how many people were going to be in the lessons. the one sara and i have reserved is limited to 12, i believe, and that will be fine.

i found a few reviews of things to do in playa jaco that were encouraging. it seems to be relatively developed, which can be good and bad, but since we're still about a 5 min drive from the city, i think it'll be fine.

upon reviewing the camp details, i saw that we'll be taking a trip to another beach south of jaco, which was recommended to me by tacy. she and her girlfriend, gaby, who is costa rican, have been back a couple times together. i'm sure it's different to travel with a native.

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i'm supposed to go to a bbq later this afternoon with willo. i feel like i should get outside. it's sunny and a little breezy, but looks great. i've been sitting in my bathrobe looking out my window.

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my mother has always told me that you can tell a lot about a person from his/her family, namely the parents. i don't always agree with this, but maybe it's true. sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. i think this is somewhat similar in my case.

i was just thinking about the things that i'll do with my mom when she's here. i'd definitely like to take her to north beach, as she enjoys pasta probably more than i do, and i like it a lot. it's comfort food to me. i'll take her to the moma, as i'm sure she'll appreciate the chagall, probably more than i did, as his work is highly spiritual. i think she spends more time thinking about that than i do, and sometimes i think too much.

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its interesting to me that since that day when i woke up (both literally and physically) and suddenly my attitude towards work changed, my thoughts about moving have also disappated. although i'm planning a lot of trips before the end of the year, i don't know that it's for the same reasons. before, they seemed to be motivated by my need to escape. now, i think it's just my need to do new things. the old me seems to be returning, thankfully.

i want to work from home today. i have a meeting at 3pm that i should really attend. ugh.

i guess i'll go. i should really hit the gym anyway. i think that's all i want to do tonight. maybe i'll watch the office space dvd that ernest let me borrow. i must be the only person on the planet who has yet to see it.

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i stayed at work a lot later than i expected and i didn't even get to work out. i got in around 11 and stayed until nearly 8, which is not horrible, but i worked from home this morning. it's been a long day.

i spent most of my morning dealing with personal stuff. i got my mom a ticket to visit at the end of the month. that will be good, for both of us. hopefully i'll take a day off while she's here. i have to see. she'll be here from friday until wednesday morning, so there's plenty of time. i just have this feeling that the post-launch week is going to be hectic.

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after work, i was supposed to pick up wes's longboard. when i went by, it wasn't there, so i'm hoping he just forgot. i still picked up the wax from mike. now i have six bars of wax. six bars of wax and nothing to wax. great.

hopefully i'll coordinate this weekend with wes and i'll get out in the water.

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patrick and i are going to have dinner on the night of my birthday. in spite of having a lot of friends who are going to be at my thing on the 12th, up until yesterday, i didn't know what i was going to do on my actual birthday. i don't think that i could have spent it alone, like i did most of my last birthday. the guy i was dating at the time had to work and also assumed that i had other people who wanted to spend time with me. of course, my friends thought that he had planned something for me and were shocked to hear that i spent the afternoon alone. that evening, a bunch of friends got together for drinks at a bar in the castro. my boyfriend at the time had somehow gotten sick during the afternoon and barely made it to the bar. after several drinks, we left, and he announced that he was really really sick, so i told him not to worry about me and that i would get home in a cab. he got really angry and offended that i thought that "he was the kind of guy who would leave his girlfriend on her birthday". i was just trying to release him of any responsibility cuz it sux to be sick.

of course, that night, we had a fight in my apartment. i fell asleep instantly in bed. he decided to stay on my loveseat. when i woke up, he was gone. high drama. after a couple days of silence, i got a drunken "i'm sorry and i miss you" call. geez. i'm a sucker. i let him come over the next day and we talked it out. that lasted for a couple more months. anyway ...

it will be nice to spend my birthday evening with patrick. he's one of my favorite people. i'm really lucky to have him in my life. hopefully i'll be up for drinking some wine by then. i'm still feeling a little nauseous at times from last weekend.

the week will be busy. a violin lesson. dinner with the girls at jane's. ceramics. then it's friday. kat imed me today and said she wanted to take me out for my birthday. it was just her birthday on the 2nd, so we're talked about taking each other out. we eventually decided that we would just go out after drinks on friday with some of the crew. should be fun.

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i need to update the links on the right.

lately i've been thinking a lot about my friend vincent. he passed away a couple of years ago in the twin towers, and since 9/11 is right around the corner, it's not strange that he is on my mind and in my subconscience. last night i dreamt about him. it wasn't a happy or sad dream. he was just in it. sometimes i'll see someone and have to do a doubletake. then i remember that it can't be him.

i think the last email i got from him was on my 30th birthday.

i have been meaning to write his family a card, but i'm not sure what to say. i guess i'll figure it out soon.

on the way to work today, i wondered if people still remembered.

it's strange to me that in the last three years, i have been to three funerals. everyone who passed away was under 30. two of them were good friends of mine.

i wrote a post and as i was about to publish it, it asked me to log in again. it lost my post, of course.

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the surfboard i was going to look at was sold to the guy who contacted the seller first. i was second. argh.

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something that sunhee and i talked about last night keeps coming to the forefront of my mind. she told me about this guy she used to date. he didn't reciprocate. she said that she thought it was normal behavior until she met her last boyfriend (now ex). he understood what reciprocity was. i do, too. i have had it in the past. i have also missed it without knowing. i know that it's something that i need.

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i identified with sara little turnbull. she said that her purpose in life was to make other people's lives better. i think that if she had the time, she would have had conversations with each of us, in order to find out what would make our lives better and how she could make that happen. i think that's my purpose as well. it's not as selfless as it sounds. i derive great happiness from making other people happy. i enjoy talking to people, even if it doesn't seem that way. i also enjoy helping people. it makes me happy to give people information that they need, to do things for people, or to connect them with others who may help them.

i guess my job allows me to do that, but i wish that this was a more prominent attribute of the job. it often seems like i'm here to serve someone else's directive at the expense of the greater good, sometimes.

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ernest planted the seed of visiting boston on october. although i haven't planned my trip to ny yet, i think i can add a couple of days to go to boston. it's been nearly 10 yrs since i've been. i used to do the drive quite a bit to visit lanha. it's easy. maybe i'll do it.

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costa rica's still in the works. sara is still working on her ticket. i'm trying to decide whether or not i should extend my trip. i suppose i should. when will i be there again i wonder. i just don't know how i'll feel about travelling alone for a few days. i've never done it.

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i talked to david today. i hadn't for a while. he told me about his 30th bday party that he's having in the carribean (island tbd) in march. maybe i'll go. i'd like to go to europe, though. we'll have to see.

i just got in from dinner with sunhee. she's not going to be able to make my little birthday get together next week and she wanted to take me out. although i was dead tired from getting up at 5am this morning, i went.

in spite of eating too much for dinner (we went to koh samui and the monkey, which i recommend) and then having an over the top set of desserts at delancy street, i'm glad we got together. i haven't talked to her in a while and my mind is swirling around.

maybe it's the lack of sleep. maybe it's due to being away for a few days. maybe it's my birthday that's just around the corner. i'm not sure.

our conversation was riddled with the perhaps unfortunately common 30-something, female topics such as getting older, getting back into shape, and the seeming lack of available men who aren't afraid of smart, independent women. i guess sometimes you have to talk about that stuff.

we talked about filling our lives with distractions that kept us from thinking about the *big picture*. i used to do that a lot, but in recent years, i am getting better at allowing myself the time and space to think about what's important to me. i guess the appointment with the financial planner is indicative of this.

i'm less in a funk now about my life in general. work is going to be work, and i know it could be worse. today's talk with sara little turnbull gave me the inspiration that i needed at this point in time. seeing step into liquid over the weekend inspired me to get a board and make surfing a part of my weekly or biweekly routine. talking with sunhee tonight reminded me how i used to enjoy playing tennis with my family and planted the seed to revisit that sport, as well as to return to boxing. i'm going to check out the new boxing gym that opened up on 3rd street this weekend. it might be a little too hardcore for me, but we'll see. it could be fun.

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i finally got my act together and sent out the evite for my birthday. i'm just going to do drinks the friday during the week of my birthday. putting together the invite list reminded me of how lucky i am to have made a large group of friends in the last 6 yrs in san francisco. some of them are more recent than the others, but all of them were invited for a reason, and it was not to fill up the bar. i've been out of touch with a lot of people in recent months, and i'm looking forward to seeing them again.

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this weekend showed me that i have changed quite a bit since i moved into this little apartment in potrero hill and started living alone. i have come to appreciate my own space, as well as this town. although i can't say for certain that this is where i'll live for the rest of my life, it's good enough for now. it's better than good enough. it's satisfying.

i just made an appointment with a financial advisor. maybe i am growing up.

i want to grow up to be sara little turnbull.