when to surf

i just got in from running around this morning. started with a workout at 9. took a shower and met spencer and han for brunch in the marina (yeah, i know). took the long way to get from the marina wise down by ocean beach to check out wetsuits. decided that i liked the body glove vibe, but wasn't sure if i wanted to throw down the $165 to get it. i'd have to get booties, too, cuz my toes get cold. this would run me another $30 or $40. hmm... surfing's expensive. stopped by the safeway to get supplies for jim's pool party tomorrow. he does it annually, and it made me think about how much has changed this last year. last year at this time i was dating nate. we went together. i still remember driving down 280 with the top down in his cabrio. i need a convertible.

actually, most of the morning walked me through memory lane. from the gym, i drove down union street. i used to go there a lot a couple of years ago when i was dating mike, who lived in pac heights. it is beautiful out today and it was still early enough in the morning that there wasn't the usual mass of pedestrians on union street. it was nice to drive down it and look at the places i used to go and see what had changed.

driving through the presidio to wise reminded me of the long rides i used to take in that area and over the golden gate bridge and through marin with the guy who moved to san francisco with me. we've been broken up for over three years now. wow. that's about half as long as we dated. i used to love roadbiking and seeing all the bikers in the presidio made me want to get a bike. however, my life was different then. namely, i was a teacher, and i had a lot more time on my hands. i could spend four or more hours on a bike cuz my job just didn't require that much of me. i also used to live in the inner sunset, which was much closer to the ggb than potrero. oh well.

i just got home and i'm going to rest for a while. maybe i'll practice my violin since my lesson is tomorrow. i really need to do laundry, though, so maybe i should do that instead. eek. not looking forward to laundry.

tonight i'm going to have dinner with sunhee. i will see her tomorrow as well, but i know we won't have a chance to really chat. i haven't seen her in a long while and there's a lot to talk about.

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i talked to my mom yesterday. she had some questions that the herbalist wanted to get answered before he figured out my next supply. apparently, the supply that i'm taking right now is just supposed to help me normalize my body. it's not going to help with my energy level or anything like that yet. this morning i woke up with puffy eyes, so i guess i'm not yet normal.

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i'm psyched to see raaf next weekend and to surf again.

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i found out that our group offsite is in santa cruz again. i had a great time last year just hanging out on the beach with wendy. she's one of my favorite people at work.

at 4.30 today mike im's me to ask if i like bjork. yes. why? well, a guy is selling his tix for tonight show at $10 a pop (they were $60 at face value). he was on his way to see if he had any left. a few minutes later, mike ims again to tell me that he got two tix for FREE. he wasn't sure that he could use them and offered them to me. OF COURSE I WANT THEM.

on the way home, i called jane. i remember seeing jane's blog, where she noted that bjork was coming to town. i think that it's actually where i first heard about the show. OF COURSE jane wanted to go.

i got home, called jane, and she came by a few minutes later. we were debating whether we should cab, bus, or drive there. we decided that driving was probably the cheapest option. we scored a spot by gordon biersch, which was a block away from piers 30-32, where the show was. at 7pm, we heard the first band, but weren't interested. jazz. apparently, there were two opening acts. the second one was also of no interest, so we opted for dinner. we walked in and out of slanted door. no, we weren't going to be that lucky tonight. however, delancy street was across the way and after a short wait at the bar, during which time we had had time to order drinks and chat, we were seated at a nice booth. i had seared scallops and soba noodles, while jane got the crab cakes she wanted. it was lovely. we topped off our meal with a chocolate torte and fruit crisp.

it wasn't even 9 when we got to the show. after about 15 min, a woman in a sequined top and flowing champagne colored skirt came out. no, not bjork. she was the harpist. then, an string octet (later we would find out that it was the icelandic string octet) followed. two men, one in a suit and the other, dressed more casually, walked on after them. they were the synthesizer guys. finally, in a white jumpsuit which could have been made of a large sheet pinced in five places, entered bjork. she was as cute as ever.

the first few songs were heavy on the strings and were expectedly mellow. then the PYROTECHNICS began. out of nowhere came these flames from the edge of the stage. they shot up in synch with the music. then, from behind the stage came the first set of fireworks. amazing night for fireworks. it was beautiful out. i was even getting warm in my sweatshirt.

the second half of the show was more upbeat and danceable. surprisingly, some of the crowd was dancing (not very san francisco-like). an hour passed before i knew it.

a little after 10, bjork did her finale for the night, accompanied by another set of fireworks. after a short break, she came out to do her encore and ended the performance with 'human behavior', a flaming tree, more flames, and even more fireworks.

at least i know why the show was so expensive ....

i'm really glad i went out tonight, and i'm even happier that it was free. i dunno that i would have spent the money to see the show. $60 is a lot, and it was good, but not $60 good.

just got in from the kite art show at punch. i wasn't impressed.

i should really practice my violin tonight. lately i haven't had the energy or even the desire, actually, to do it. maybe i just need to take a break from it until i get motivated again.

i called my mom today. my meds are going to run out next week, and i thought i'd talk to her about taking them again. i told her that i had overslept several days in a row, and she is convinced that my body's starting to relax and that's why it's easier for me to rest. i guess it has been easier to sleep, although i think that reading before bed also helps. she's certain that i should take more meds. i'm willing to try anything at this point.

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so the guy who said he was leaving work to become a fireman changed his mind. geez. i mean, he should do what he wants to do, but it's too bad that he decided that the impact his future job might have on his family and wife would be too much for them to bear, AFTER he sent out the email to the entire design group that he was leaving. he sounds like the boy who cried wolf. i haven't seen the "i'm staying" email yet. should be good for a chuckle.

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so tonight i thought of seeing ledisi in union square. i also thought about seeing heart of the sea, the movie about rell sun, a professional female surfer who died of breast cancer. i should have done that.

i'm posting this for willo since she's just a craigslist groupie. guess there's a movie...

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got up late again today. 9 hours of sleep last night. 9!!! i dunno wassup with my body these days. maybe i really am fatigued. maybe i have mono. maybe i'm just sleepy.

i worked all day long today. it's 10.15, and i just sent out the email with the work that i did today. i feel kind of lame, actually, cuz although it was a lot of work, i was able to use a lot of the stuff that a colleague did. she saved my ass, and i dunno what i would have done had she not done similar work for a related project.

the good thing about today was that i got up late and was able to work in my pajamas all day. i guess my life isn't so bad.

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so i have a little better perspective on things today. i guess i just needed some sleep and i need to listen to my body a little more than i usually do.

i got this email this morning, and it helped to remind me of what's important.

bulbs must darken
mute, they must

what will remain when they break?

treasure
despair
fear
... or love?

can tonight i have love?

please ... not treasure
... unless it remains when i wake.

i have a lot of work to do and i have a raging headache. i am hoping that it will go away soon. i have too much work to do.

i think that i just don't want to work anymore. i haven't really felt this way before, so it's a strange thought. this is also after i just had a meeting that took some stuff off of my plate so that i could focus on the key things that i had to get done.

i've been thinking a lot about how i could change my life so that i could go surfing more regularly. there are a few options. i could:
1. keep my job and move to santa cruz, which may improvemy commute and allow me to surf more regularly.
2. keep my job, get a wetsuit, get a board rack for my car, get a board, and potentially get into the water more regularly.
3. move to the beach -- san diego or somewhere else in southern california.

i did a quick assessment of how i could get 8 hours of sleep, while working 10 hours a day, and it's hard. i have to factor in a two hour (upon average) round trip commute. that doesn't leave much time to do the other stuff i need to do ... like see friends, do laundry, clean my house, or go surfing.

something's got to change.

when i got to work this morning, i had an email waiting from a guy at work. he's leaving to be a fireman.

later in the afternoon, i got another email from a woman at work who is leaving at the end of the week. she had taken a leave of absence, during which she had decided to leave work and volunteer for a children's organization. she'll be travelling for it for a few months.

a few hours after that, i got an im from a close friend of mine at work who told me that his mother had passed away. although he knew it was coming, it saddened me deeply. i don't know what i would do if my mother passed away. i have thought about it, and i can never get very far in the thought, as i become emotional. i will try to support him when he returns to work next week.

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tonight was my last night of ceramics. the two pieces i made for sandra and mom were fired, but i wasn't thrilled by the glaze. glaze is unpredictable. it makes me appreciate how difficult this process is and how amazing it is when pieces come out beautifully. i glazed three more pieces. hopefully i will be able to get these and the one that had not yet been fired from last week in the near future. hopefully these will come out better than the first two. the next session will start in september, i believe. i have to think about whether i will sign up again. maybe it's time to do something else? i'm not tiring of it by any means, but i also know that there are not enough hours in the week to do all that i'd like. i suppose life is full of these kinds of choices.

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today a friend of mine told me about an inflatable surfboard.

i dreamt about an exboyfriend last night. he's a guy i dated a couple of years ago, and we dated for a little over a year. he was the antithesis of the boyfriend before him, and i really liked him a lot. i think that i even loved him. at one point, i thought i could marry him. he had all of the attributes that i thought were important to me in a mate. he adored me, we got along really well, we enjoyed a lot of the same activities, and he introduced me to new activities that i probably would not have experienced without him. he was responsible, financially stable, and loved kids (in case at some point i wanted to have some of my own). however, there were things about him that i thought might become issues in the future. there were also some things lacking in him. during the relationship, i went back and forth between knowing that no one was perfect and thinking that maybe someone was better suited for me. ultimately, after a breakup and a reconciliation, we broke up for real. he didn't want to talk to me for a long time. i doubt that he would want to now. it's unfortunate, but i understand and respect how he feels.

in the dream, he had changed. his changes were manifested by his having multiple noserings, being engaged, and saying atypical things during a conversation we had.

i know why i dreamt of him. yesterday, i was talking to a friend online and she said something to the effect of "I would not mind marrying him [an exboyfriend]". this is the way i felt about my ex. however, this isn't the way i should feel about someone i am thinking about marrying.... hence i'm not married. this is fine with me ... for now.

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i was going to wake up early to work out, but i was exhausted. i went to bed early last night (before midnight), but this didn't seem to help.

i am going to turn 32 in about a month. milestones like this (new year's is another one) make me review my life. last year, i had a housewarming and birthday drinks during the weekend of my birthday. some people found this excessive. i didn't see it as such, as i was celebrating two distinct things. 1. my new apartment: the last time i lived alone was when i was 22. it was time to celebrate my independence and i also found it a motivating factor to get my shit in order -- hang my pictures, arrange my furniture, etc. 2. my birthday: i think birthdays need to be noted and celebrated. it's an important day -- the day you entered the world, and i wanted to share it with my friends.

this year, i'm not sure what i'm going to do. it would be nice to do something in sf with my friends, some new and some old. it would also be nice to get away -- maybe the desert, since i have been thinking about it, although not as much recently. i will have been away the weekend before, however, so i might just stay in sf.

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nancy's friend is experiencing a loss these days. her friend's boyfriend dropped dead of a heart attack. he was in good health -- a firefighter, i think. it is bizarre. apparently, he was going to ask her to marry him on her birthday. it's this week. maybe there is such a thing as too much information?

i saw a posting on craigslist for a job that i could potentially fit in san diego. interesting. part of me wants to learn more about it. part of me knows that my current job is probably as good as it's going to get. however, what about the work life balance that seems to be eluding me lately?

i just got in from a great day in bolinas and stinson beach. rebecca and i went to bolinas to surf. she just got a new beautiful new board. she's still learning how to stand on it, as it's shorter than the ones she usually rides. i rented a board and wetsuit from a local place. the weather wasn't great when we got there, but there were probably 20 or 30 people in the water by the time we got there, which was around 11. we surfed for a while, and i caught a few waves, which was fun and satisfying. i didn't want to work my shoulder too much, so i took it easy. the sun started to come out around noon (i think) and i laid out on the beach while rebecca went out for the last time.

around 2, we headed to stinson beach to get lunch. we sat outside and shared a grilled tombo tuna sandwhich and had yummy bloody mary's. i'm a recent fan of the bloody mary (this is raaf's influence).

on the way back to the city, we hit the oneill store in marin and looked at some boards. some of them were pretty expensive. i should really get a wetsuit and then borrow the board that chris offered me. i just need a roof rack. maybe i'll investigate.

i need to clean my apartment.