i can't remember the last time i've tried to go to bed this early. it's not really in my nature to fall asleep before the day i'm supposed to wake up.

i just got in from a quick jaunt with jane. i parked a block away from her house, as i was excited to find anything within 5 on a saturday night in her neighborhood. as i walked towards her place, i saw three open spots. oh well. it was nice out. it turns out that the party was actually steps from where i parked. coicidence? i have clairvoyant moments.

we didn't get to the party until about 9.30. we were the first people there. it was supposed to start around 8 or 9, but i guess that's really 10 or 11 sf time. we left at 10.30. i think 3 other people had shown up by then.

since jane and i are heading down to santa cruz tomorrow, i really should be in bed by now, telling myself to not think about anything, so that i can fall asleep. it's strange, i know, but i do, actually, sometimes, tell myself not to think as i'm trying to fall asleep. most of the time i don't have to resort to this tactic, but lately i have been having some trouble falling asleep. i used to be out the minute i hit the sheets. dunno what's changed.

i'm going to have my green tea, read a bit, and hopefully wake up before jane gives me my wakeup call at 5.15. yikes.

i've been spending a lot more time on my own lately, and i'm finding that i'm less able to do things on my own than i used before. when i see stuff around the city that sounds interesting or when i think of new stuff i want to do, i feel less able to do them since i don't have someone to share the experience with me. i didn't used to be like this. i'm not sure what's changed.

for example, fu manchu is coming back to the bay area next month. i've missed their last three shows in sf, and i'll probably miss this one, too. i don't think this is a show i'd go to alone, and come to think of it, i don't think i've ever seen a band alone.

the other day, while i was thinking about sunday in santa cruz, i thought about how great it would be to go back to kauai. kauai's beaches were empty, beautiful, and pretty easy to surf (at least the one that i was on). i would go back there for a long weekend if i had someone else to go with me. i know that i could do that alone. it would be easy. it might even be good to go back alone, but i don't know how fun it would be. maybe that's just particular to kauai. if i was going to spain, for example, i think i'd be fine going alone, as i would have more stuff to do. i don't mind going to museums alone, or walking around the city alone. kauai, however, is a little slower than most places, and i might get bored. there's only so much exercise my body can take on a daily basis.

maybe i'm ok doing stuff alone.

i need to get my car washed.

(note that this entry has a title. look what happens when you read the instructions.)

so today i am good. i had a pretty easy work day.

i confirmed my surf lesson on sunday.

i practiced my violin for a few min before it got to be too late for my neighbors. i'm still not sure what they can hear coming from my apartment -- music or otherwise -- but i figured that 10pm on a friday night was reasonable.

i had a session with asanta. it was rough. my body still ached from before. i won't do anything tomorrow cuz i'll want to be ready for paddling on sunday.

i got an email from my ex -- the one that i dreamt about the other night. (i had written him a quick note and he replied.) i don't remember the last time we exchanged emails. it has been that long. it was good to hear from him. there's something about you first love and sex that will always have a sacred place in your heart.

i thought about going to culture cache tonight. mike suggested varnish. i decided to do neither. i need to be home tonight.

i chatted with wayne for a bit online today. i hadn't talked to him for a while. it started out as a conversation about how to change the whois info on a domain that's hosted with yahoo. (i happen to work on that product and was able to help him out, i hope.) it turned into a conversation about the bigger questions i've been asking myself lately. it's the usual: "what am i doing with my life?", "am i ever going to move to ny?", and the latest to join the pair "can i take a year off and travel?" i don't know wayne very well, but from what i do know, he is incredibly intelligent. he was one of the early web kids and has had a multitude of experiences that can probably only be had here in the high tech center of the us. he's done some travelling, a lot of writing, and certainly a lot of thinking.

he encouraged me to take the year to travel and do whatever else it was that i thought i wanted to do. there's only a window of opportunity for this kind of thing. before i know it, i'll be one of those i-want-to-settle-down-have-kids-and-nest women. i'll have to do some research.

i am exhausted today. i don't know how i did it, but i was up until 12.30 last night, which is not such a big deal, but i was not really doing much. i read some short stories on this guy's website. he's a friend of a friend, but i've never met him, so i'm feeling like a bit of a stalker.

****

so i guess i am going surfing on sunday in santa cruz. jane, caroline, and i are going to drive down there way earlier than anyone should be awake on a sunday. it'll be less crowded, though, and i have a few other friends meeting us down there. it looks like it's going to be a girls' surf day, to be followed by a girls' night out. it's the full moon after all.

****

my abs are still sore from my session with asanta on tuesday. it is pathetic. boxing last night probably didn't help. i have session #8 tonight. i have to start thinking about if i'd like to get another 10. maybe i will and just not go twice a week. i'd have to motivate to do more on my own. tough call.

****

there's an opening at culture cache tonight. i didn't go to surf style at 111 minna last night. i practiced my violin instead.

i received a letter from my neice today. it was the first one i have ever received. it has a border of blue stars that she appears to have stamped by hand. they are in surprisingly straight lines. at the top of the page, she wrote, "ZOE LOVE AUNT".

****

i just got in from boxing. i was kind of spacy and brushed the side of my partner's head a couple of times. she looked annoyed. i have a lot on my mind.

i am a bit of a design snob.

i got my vpn to work today, but only after waiting to talk to IS for 20 min and then having them reset my PIN. turns out that if you try an incorrect PIN 3 times, vpn is disabled. a little feedback might have been nice. the IS support guy didn't seem to appreciate my suggestion that maybe it would be nice to know that this would happen so that people don't spend their time trying to connect over and over again.

****

i overslept again this morning. i set my alarm for 8, but got up at 9. again, in that hour of extra sleep, i had strange dreams. this time, i dreamt that my exboyfriend from college showed up at my parents house. there was nothing sexual about the dream. he was just in it.

he's married and lives in dc now. i talk to him maybe once a year.

i know that i dreamt about him cuz he's one of the most responsible people i know from a boyfriend perspective. my subconscious is screaming at me right now.

vpn sux. it puts a huge snag in working from home tomorrow. i don't know why i have to be plagued by this right now. i'll have to call is tomorrow.

****

i did have a pretty good night tonight, though. jane, hillary, kat, and i met for drinks and snacks at absinthe in hayes valley. i hadn't been there for a few months and the other girls had never been. they have an amazing drink menu. it's several pages long....lots of house cocktails, extensive wine list, and of course a full bar. my favorite is the old havana, but the ginger rogers is a favorite among many. the ginger rogers is a mojito with ginger. i'm not sure what's in the old havana, actually. it's just yummy.

****

we had our company *all hands* today. it's the quarterly meeting when they provide alcohol and food and talk about how the company did in the previous quarter. they started the festivities a little earlier than usual -- 4pm. i went down for a glass of wine and bailed on the meeting.

****

i talked to my sister on the way into work today. they're going to alaska in a week. it sounds like they have a serious itinerary. there are day trips every day... hiking, sight seeing, etc. after a few minutes, she handed the phone over the zoe. i love talking to zoe on the phone lately. her vocabulary has expanded significantly this year with school and now summer camp. she goes to camp three times a week and she seems to really enjoy it. i asked her what she did and she told me that she swims and plays games with her friends like doggie, doggie, where's your bone.

my sister is a great mom, and she is giving zoe everything that a kid could want. i think she's trying to provide zoe with experiences that she did not get in her youth: ballet lessons, montessori school, summer camp, pink dresses, doll houses. however, this makes finding something for her 5th birthday a challenge.

****

driving home today, i saw a billboard for wifi at mcdonalds. i'm not sure how i feel about it.

i think i hold grudges. actually, i think i hold a grudge.

i am good friend. it is in my nature to be helpful, to do nice things for people, to empathize. i give people lot of chances before i write them off. i have done this only a few times in my life.

i have recently reconnected with someone with whom i have had little or no contact for over a year. i thought it might be different. after seeing him, i thought it would. now i'm doubting again. hence, i think i hold a grudge. although i've told him that i've tried to let go of the past, to start again as if we never had any of the bad stuff between us, i am finding that it is hard for me to do this. it makes me think that people really don't change.

i know, however, at least in my case, this isn't true. i've certainly changed, and i think it is for the better in the last few years. i would like to think that people can change. i just don't know if it's true for everyone.

i'm going to try to go to bed now, as i have a big day ahead of me, but i think it'll be hard. stay tuned for more.

i've already had a rough morning and it's only 11.30.

i got up late.
i have dark circles under my eyes -- i never get them.
traffic sucked.
was late to a meeting.
got an email from an ex who said that i was a bad friend.
then i read this story about the iranian twins. i'm nearly in tears.

i had a good night at ceramics. this is probably one of the few times that i've actually gone to class with ideas about the things that i wanted to make. i made three pieces: 2 flower pots and a large bowl. it was a good night.

****

i was kind of stressed today. before i started working with the clay, i told myself that there was nothing that i could do about it now and that stressing wouldn't help. i would deal with whatever happened.

on the way home, i started to get stressed again.

****

i was able to get a ticket home on a reasonable airline for a good price. i have to connect both ways, but i couldn't bear to spend nearly $400 on a ticket to chicago. there's just no reason for it. at least now i'll be able to go home for four and a half days and i don't think i'm going to work during that time. i'll just hang out with mom and zoe until jim and jin get back from alaska. it'll be good to not think about work.

****

alp told me that i seem happier today; that generally when i'm not swamped with work i seem better. well, i would hope so. tomorrow's going to be nuts, so i should rest up. maybe i'll be less stressed tomorrow.

i had planned to go to sleep early tonight so that i could hit the gym in the morning. it's almost 12.30 and i'm still awake. i just finished doing some work, and i'm trying to settle my stomach before i go to bed.

i talked to a friend from college tonight. we hadn't talked for a while, so we were catching up. somehow the conversation got to weightier topics like *nesting*. she mentioned how she didn't want to move to a new city, that she felt like it took too much energy to find her way around again, to make new friends, etc. she said that she wanted to settle down somewhere and maybe look for a house. sometimes i feel like i must be the only woman my age who doesn't feel this need. part of me wonders if i'll ever feel it. i guess things are changing a bit, though, cuz lately i've been asking myself the question, if i got pregnant now, would i have an abortion or would i keep it? if you asked me a month ago, i would have been clear on the answer: without a doubt, abort. now, i'm not so sure. it's not like i'm in danger or that or anything. it's just that now that i think about it and consider the possibility of not having children, i'm not so sure that it would be ok. i'm not a fatalist (i don't think), but i do think that things happen for a reason. if i got pregnant, i would know that there was some reason for it. maybe i would have it. i dunno. maybe the point of getting pregnant would be for me to think about this seriously, and not necessarily to become a mother. i dunno.

everytime i go out with mike and rosanna, i realize how much their lives have changed with the birth of their daughter. their lives have more purpose now, it seems. they appear to be incredibly happy, and i have little doubt that this is reality and not just perception. i wonder if i'd feel that way, as well.

everytime i listen to alp talk about the difficult nights at home with their new baby, it makes me doubt having children. however, even he is incredibly happy with his new son. he has a great attitude about the difficult times he is experiencing now. it's all worth it to him.

maybe i'd feel this way, too. who knows.

****

i had my lesson tonight. i think it went pretty well, actually. i was able to get in a few hours of practice in the last couple of days. i think the bruch is coming along, too. it's hard, but my teacher seems to think that it's getting better. we played the bach double at the end, and that was good for both of us.

****

tomorrow i start my ceramics class again. this time, i have a few things i want to make for people. i'm going to make a couple of flower pots -- one for my mom and one for a friend's mom. i want to make more interesting bowls this time and experiment with glazes. it'll be good to get back into that.

i'm in the middle of reading the sunday nytimes and i think i've just figured it out ...

"The pair [Dr. Hallowell and John Ratey, prof and asst prof at Harvard] have their own term for this condition: pseudo-attention deficit disorder. Its sufferers do not have actual A.D.D., but, influenced by technology and the pace of modern life, have developed shorter attention spans. They become frustrated with long-term projects, thrive on the stress of constant fixes of information, and physically crave the bursts of stimulation from checking e-mail or voice mail or answering the phone."

****

got up late again this morning. missed the gym class that i usually attend. maybe i'll go to yoga will later in the day. maybe i'll walk to jane's. it's not that far, but i have to get back for my lesson at 5.30. it's really overcast and cool today. i thought about the beach again today, but i think it's too late for that.

****

last night mike, rosanna, and i went to build for an art opening, but it was LAME. build is a small space next to a tattoo parlor on guerrero. the 'art' was an assembly of magazines, vhs tapes, and books. we headed back to mike and rosanna's to watch a movie, kundun. it was slow and we stopped it to watch sex and the city. of course, it was an episode that i had already seen. that always happens. i never watch tv and when i do, it's usually something i've already seen.

****

this morning, as i was checking my email, i got an apology from a guy with whom i went out on two dates. he is the friend of a friend, and he's an NGB (nice guy, but*). we got along fine and we had a good time when we hung out, but there was no chemistry. i mean, i thought that there might be, but i sort of knew that i didn't really connect with him. i tried to make a connection, but it didn't work. it was nice, though, to get a note from him apologizing for just falling off the planet instead of saying something to the effect of 'hey, i don't feel a love connection here'. i guess there are still some decent guys out there.

* i cannot take credit for NGB. michelle coined the phrase and gets full rights.